"Please don't look at things with those eyes..." my mother pleaded in a cracking voice. It sounded like she was about to cry. "Looking at the world like that will poison your soul," she whispered. No emotion was created in me by her speech.

"My soul is already dead." I said looking her in the face, not afraid of her sorrowful eyes.

With that I left, making no hurried steps into my room. I heard her sobs subside as the soothing voice of my sister travelled down the hall.

This was it. No more. I could not find the strength to life life anymore. Not like this.

With careful movements I layed a paper upon my mahagony desk top. I sat down and took a pen out of my open pencilcase, like this was one of the boring essays I only did to even if just a little, but make my mother smile.

* * *

            Dear Alice,

By the time you are reading this, I am in the heavens of helIs, free of you. Yes, you are thinking right. I am dead.

You know, I really do regret doing this. I loved to live. I wanted to have a great life. But then you discovered the ways of erasing one's heart, and created the hate in me. It is truly all your fault, my sister. I wish for you to feel the pain you caused me throughout these years. I wish for you to rot in helI, to wish to die from these words I am writing.

Tell mother that I loved her. It was not her fault.

   Always and forever, the pain shall stay with you.
     With pure hatred, your sister, Mary.

* * *

I smiled as I put the pen lid back on and folded the paper, taking care to not to bend any corners of it.

I got up and creeped into her room, placing the letter on her well folded bed covers. How careful she was. Always, every single time. She was doing everything to stay perfect. Not to be dirtied by me.

Well, she'd have to wash her covers for ever now; my touch was never disappearing from it.

I went downstairs slowly, knowing that my sobbing mother and her would be in the kitchen, with no chance of having a view of me slipping out of the front door.

* * *

I walked down the empty streets; no one would be around this late, the moon was already shining far above my head.

As I reached the outer skirts of the forest I breathed in deeply, embracing the lush scent of wet grass and damp undergrowth. I had made my way to that place many times before. Never for the reason of suicide, but because I always felt like someone was there with me, someone with the same dead soul as mine. Someone that understood what had happened, and that there was nothing wrong with me. It was just that I'd lost my reason for life. I had no longer mastered the power of showing an effort to live. Living now was equal as being dead for me.

I had wondered about what death held many times before. All I got was emptyness, but that was fine, I had decided. Emptyness was better than mysery and anger.

As I kept on trailing on the now clearly visible footpath, a sudden break of trees revealed the cliff edge I welcomed so much.

I slowly glided to the edge and stood there, looking nowhere. The wind howled against my body as I placed my feet slightly off the ground, making sure I had enough balance to stay atop.

No fear was in me. No adrenalin either. Everything seemed decided, like judgement day was over. And my future had been decided.

I knew that no one would come looking for me for a few hours at least. My mother was used to me just being in my room. Of course, she never knew what I was doing in there. In truth, I was talking to dad.

No, I did not have any special talents. The fact that my father was dead will always remain the same. I was talking to him in my mind. He commited suicide on this same cliff side as well. Right on this same spot.

I often talked to him in my mind, but I never made real contact with him. It was just my imagination. In my head, I had created him to be just like me. Lost.

I streched my arms out and let the wind blow my night dress around me, a single teardrop escaping my eyes and flowing down onto my windswept cheek.

I bent forwerd, untill gravity became too strong for my feet and they let go.

A last chuckle escaped my lips as I started falling down. Finally, I was free. In a few seconds I would hit the ice cold water beneath the cliff.
I twisted in air, so my back was going to hit water first. This way I might break my back and then my body would be so badly damaged that it wouldn't make sense for my mother to give me a funeral - that is if she ever found it. Not like I deserved a funeral. Though I was in the state I was, it was not her fault, yet so often I blamed her for it. I did not deserve her love.

I felt cold air surrounding me. In every hundredth of second it got colder and colder. I was suprised that everything was so detailed in my mind.

Then suddenly I hit something very hard and sank down to the bottom of the huge river at amazing speed.

I embraced and welcomed the icy water, letting the thousands of needles bite into my skin.

As the burning in my lungs got worse, my sight slowly became unclear and I let myself drift into what would be my road to death with a peaceful smile carved onto my face.

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